No strings attached
Life is too short to feel bad, get hurt, hold grudges out of expectations or be regretful. Genesis of expectation takes place with closeness. Closeness in itself is not bad, but when expectations are not met the same thing can be very hurtful and dejecting.
Why people who are single, may be in open-relationship or rather in live-in feel life more than people who are married. It’s a matter of not letting lose ones identity. But why does one has to lose identity in a marital relationship. Once married, people try to live up to the expectations of more than one person and even after that the counterpart can take the person for granted, not appreciating the efforts, because that person is also under the same burden as much as you are under the burden of meeting expectations.
But what is so different in open relationship or live-in than marital relationship. Only difference is when you sign a contract you officially declare (to the world perhaps who has no role to play in your life) about somebody in your life as spouse and that you take legal, emotional, mental and physical responsibility of the person. This concept doesn’t restrict itself between individuals, in orthodox culture people have to meet the expectations of the in-laws more than the spouse itself. You try to adjust yourself to the limit that you even change the person as you are, sometimes for good sometimes for bad. Gradually in order to conform to your spouse and in-laws’ dream person you transform to an entire new personality wherein you are lost as a person you used to be. Then time comes when you actually start missing the person you were. This mixed with ego takes it to yet another level. Under the pretext of being a person who keeps promises, you continue with the same things and same people as they demand, where then a point comes that you become purely mechanical in your outlook towards everything you encounter. You tend to continue the relation because you committed at some point of your life and not because there is love in the relation. This part of the suffering is due to ones own ego rather than the situation itself. It is difficult to blame it entirely on the bond (legal contract), but may be bond creates a mental image of being in fetters and bounded.
But what is so different in open relationship or live-in than marital relationship. Only difference is when you sign a contract you officially declare (to the world perhaps who has no role to play in your life) about somebody in your life as spouse and that you take legal, emotional, mental and physical responsibility of the person. This concept doesn’t restrict itself between individuals, in orthodox culture people have to meet the expectations of the in-laws more than the spouse itself. You try to adjust yourself to the limit that you even change the person as you are, sometimes for good sometimes for bad. Gradually in order to conform to your spouse and in-laws’ dream person you transform to an entire new personality wherein you are lost as a person you used to be. Then time comes when you actually start missing the person you were. This mixed with ego takes it to yet another level. Under the pretext of being a person who keeps promises, you continue with the same things and same people as they demand, where then a point comes that you become purely mechanical in your outlook towards everything you encounter. You tend to continue the relation because you committed at some point of your life and not because there is love in the relation. This part of the suffering is due to ones own ego rather than the situation itself. It is difficult to blame it entirely on the bond (legal contract), but may be bond creates a mental image of being in fetters and bounded.
Where are you? Lost… There’s no space of your own. You start feeling suffocated because your own self has got buried deep that it is trying so hard to manifest itself in vain. And while becoming a conformist you forget to live…
It is observed for people involved without bonds respect each other’s space (there is no mental image of commitment but rather affection-of love). Here each other’s priorities and choices are respected. And hence there is no burden of becoming somebody else but you. You are appreciated for what you are. In a process you come closer to the person you are and hence to the person you love. Your relation seems to be like a spiritual journey wherein you get closer to yourself as you get closer to your companion. This is what real love is all about. It is about letting each other the time, space and freedom to search for their own self and be with each other to enjoy the world as seen by both of them through different glasses. It is about encouraging each other to be their own self and teach each other to love themselves. To get close to someone is letting the person to get close his own self. Because love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves, we simply have to awaken it. Real love is letting the other person love himself as much as he can and then only things become beautiful inside and out. It is pointless thinking you could own another person, anyone who believes that is just deceiving himself. The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility. Rather than negotiating and coming to a mutual point, you don’t even try to mix each other’s perspective and in a process you experience and enjoy life in sets of different outlooks as much as you can. Freedom gets multiplied every moment… And freedom is life….
PS: 2-3 lines from Paulo Cohelo’s 11 minutes.
